Ugh. The last post was so completely unsatisfying. I wonder if I could ever be satisfied with something I write; my guess is I can't.

"Pray for me." Such an easy thing to say, huh? The truth is, I haven't prayed at all in... let's see, how long have I lived here? (It's probably even been way longer than that, but sometimes I'm in denial with such things.) I think the reason the phrase "pray for me" has become so trite to me, is that when someone tells me to pray for them I ALWAYS say, "Definitely..." and it becomes a lie because I don't. It's not even that I forget, it's as if I've completely lost touch with my Lord in a sense that I don't feel like He forgives people.

I'm just posting this to be real. To be honest. To use this as a place for confession so that I'm accountable to what I've written. Maybe confessing to you will make me to pray about these things (because I know some of my brothers and sisters in Christ read this).

I promise I won't take any of these words back.

I struggle with pornography and masturbation. I'm not a virgin. I lie every day. I continue to want things which I know are bad for me. I strive to be good-looking because I usually favor good-looking people. I avoid the Lord so that I can avoid dealing with my sin. (THAT's what keeps me from praying for others and from looking for fellowship here in Arizona.) These things are real. And they've been killing me. So, I don't want applause for being honest.

I've come to the realization that our insecurities are based completely on our own actions. I am the one who has made myself untrusting, because I've been a liar. I've been completely untrustworthy. I know how harsh I can be in judging people, so I constantly fear judgment which keeps me shy in group situations. Yeah, I've even decided that being "shy" can be a sign of sin (at least with me I know it is).

I'm not going to ask you to pray for me. I need to deal with all of this. I caused it.