I got my car back yesterday. woot.

I haven't written anything meaningful in a while, if not months. That's been my life, pretty much, and I have to say, glazing over things and making it seem like everything is OK is not good. Proverbs 14:13 says: "Even in laughter, the heart is sorrowful, and the end of that mirth is heaviness." Well, that's me in a nutshell. I'm not against laughter, but I do too much to try and forget that I'm Matt, I have this set of problems, and this is my lot. The truth is, I almost fooled myself and became numb. I'm still the same guy, still sensitive, still wondering if this is really how life should be lived. What is it that makes us so darned complex? Well God of course. We're like Him in some ways, because we're His reflection.

I still seem to lie when people ask how I'm doing. It's not even a reflex anymore: I'm fully aware that I am not OK, and I realize that when I say I am, I'm lying completely. But then I think, I'm feeling so many things right now, I'm up and down all in one, so how can I really answer that question? Not to mention that sometimes you can tell they don't care to hear it anyway.

I have to go back to my original website and quote it. It's a feeling I've had for a long time, and I'm learning to deal with it, but it's still there.

"...The other day I was looking at a picture of myself when I was a sleeping baby. How innocent my thoughts were. I looked at my own face, and somehow, I remembered a time when everyone could see what I was thinking. All of my expressions were truthful. If I was happy, I smiled, and if I smiled, I was happy. I didn't care what I looked like, and I never tried to impress anyone. How innocent my thoughts were. I wondered where I became evil. I mean I know humanity is evil, but when did I succumb to my humanity for the first time? I know it's fruitless to ask when I became sinful; I sin because I'm a sinner, always have been. But it seems like gradually, I became more affected by the world and more keen to it's hate as I grew. Now, barely a boy, barely a man, I'm utterly confused. I don't know what people are thinking, what their motives are, or what they think of me. I don't know what I am supposed to be doing at the moment (though I am currently spending thousands trying to find out what I'm suppose to do in the future) or how I am supposed to act. It's kind of like I am at an intersection with no map, just idling at the yeild sign waiting for something to happen..."

I'm there again, at the intersection.