In lieu of a computer, I’m writing this out. I don’t have a computer at home, so sometimes when I have something meaningful to post, I miss the opportunity.

Maybe that’s for the better. Even to this day I don’t really know what is appropriate for me to post or not to post. My prayers have been sporadic and scarce, my reading time has been limited to group Bible studies, and my life had shown very little fruit. I can’t remember the last time I was satisfied.

I remember a while back I was talking to Jen about a friend and Jen was telling me how this friend has never known what depression is despite her seemingly rough trials. Then Jen said something that struck me, and I’ve pondered it since that night. She explained that she and I both have melancholy bases and those who don’t know depression would never understand our view of things.

For a while it totally ade sense and I just accepted it. This was me, Matt, with a melancholy base, sensitive and observant, sometimes naïve and always, always depressed. I circled it in my head, and it echoed. Then it frightened me as I realized that if this was true, I was bound to it, never having the ability to feel happy without expecting it to end soon, being replaced by an even more powerful feeling of emptiness.

And then there’s this whole part of me that is absolutely neurotic. I tend to over think everything, and fill in every gap with stupid stuff that makes me feel like crap. Relationships tend to suffer because of this and it becomes so much easier for people to disappoint me. I happened at least three times yesterday with three separate people. And when I think about it, all of them were probably thinking something different than my assumptions.

Overall, I think I’ve forgotten my first love. I forgot that God loves me and that his gift, his election, the death of His holy Son for my sake, is truly, absolutely, unspeakable!

It helps to write this out. In retrospect, I think I’ve been hindering whatever God has had for me to do in the past. Knowing this, it would also seem that God wouldn’t have me bound to something that keeps him from being glorified.

Thank God I’m still growing up; his patience is so good. Thank God I was wrong, and I’m not bound to a melancholy soul. Thank God I can get away from my past characteristics. And Audrey, I think I’ll take your advice and try harder to be close to my Father in heaven. I know there is no replacement and this emptiness can only be filled by Him.

Pray, brethren, for he who has begun a good work in us will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.