I heard something that pierced me deeply yesterday. A guy said, "people know they're going to die, they just don't actually believe it will happen. If people believed they could die, life would be much more dear."

I want things, and I'm not being effective enough for the cause of Christ. I've been trying (albeit feebly) to eliminate the circumstances that cause me discontent so that I can focus on only desiring God. Last night I sat alone in my dimly lit living room and thought to myself for about three hours, through a long stretch of silence with no human interaction. It did give me a chance to evaluate my life a little and see what's really important in all this mess, and I'm persuaded that I focus too much on stuff that hinders my ministry for Christ. The Bible says that I'm called to be a saint, separated unto the gospel of God, from which I received so great a salvation. I'm left here for a reason, and it doesn't make sense that I'm here to gain that Lexus I want, or that three story mansion, or even that great wife. For right now, I don't need any of those things, and in the past year or two (or three) I've been totally focused on some of them, and some other extraneous things. I've forgotten my first love, and I'm tired of the cycle I spin that chases me to love myself most, then someone else, then back to God, then back to myself, etc. Quite frankly, I'm getting dizzy and feeling nauseous from it. I hope I stay here for a while.