Listening to: Elliot Smith - Needle in the Hay
Mood: Some other time.

There must be a hundred things I want to say. Or maybe one thing a hundred times. This record keeps skipping. Some other time. Some other time. Some other time. Some other time.

Some other time.

What if, for 24 hours, everyone was absolutely honest about every single thing? I'm talking about the childish honesty which comes without inhibitions created by shame. I wonder if everything would be okay the next day. (Isn't there anyone interested in being transparent?) I think the reservations people have with being honest about their "darkest" sins (often very common sins) would be remedied by knowing that everyone else has their own "darkest" issues, whether they are the same issues or otherwise.

This hypothetical situation would only work if everyone was honest at the same time, though. It's easy to be hypocritical and speak badly of someone when you haven't revealed anything, because you start to believe your own facade and join in the conversation about so-and-so, completely forgetting that you have struggled with the same thing or something worse.

I guess that's part of the benefit of my post from last Sunday. I've gotten far more responses than I expected, some positive, some not so positive. One person said, "man, you sure conceal things well."

For that, I'm glad I said something.

Now I'll think twice about gossiping about so-and-so, not just because it's just plain wrong, but because I know that I've provided evidence of my flesh that I can't fold back up and put in my pocket as if nothing was said. I'm comfortable not having a choice in that matter.

And to be fair, I'm not saying I've thought it through for an incredible amount of time, but I have thought about some. And I'm not saying I'm absolutely right in this. I'm just saying that I have good reason to believe it's true for me, because of the way my mind works.

A few people were actually encouraged by it, and I can't honestly say that was my intention either, but I'm so glad God used it that way. He's real. He knows you.

"Undulation"

I uncovered a firefly for
you
though come to think of it
I’m not sure it was one:
I really think
the wings were missing
or taken maybe;

drifting less like intentional
more like preposterous
late in the day.
or maybe it was too dark to see
exactly if the wings were
gone at all.

my memory is running away
(with a lot)
but I think I pulled
them off myself
or maybe you did.

either way I suppose.
right?

Today is the last day of my first week at DHL. I've been sleeping regularly, and haven't had a problem getting up at 5am yet. In fact, I kind of like getting up before everyone else - it's just some relaxed time to myself.

And we get some awesome discounts. One of them is 75% off of flights to Europe on Lufthansa Germany Airlines. I guess things like that are intuitive when you work for a German company. DHL is owned by Duetsche Post World Net.

We ship for Mirimax as well, and I was tracking a package yesterday that was going to Harvey Weinstein... It even had his phone number! And no, you can't have it.

Ugh. The last post was so completely unsatisfying. I wonder if I could ever be satisfied with something I write; my guess is I can't.

"Pray for me." Such an easy thing to say, huh? The truth is, I haven't prayed at all in... let's see, how long have I lived here? (It's probably even been way longer than that, but sometimes I'm in denial with such things.) I think the reason the phrase "pray for me" has become so trite to me, is that when someone tells me to pray for them I ALWAYS say, "Definitely..." and it becomes a lie because I don't. It's not even that I forget, it's as if I've completely lost touch with my Lord in a sense that I don't feel like He forgives people.

I'm just posting this to be real. To be honest. To use this as a place for confession so that I'm accountable to what I've written. Maybe confessing to you will make me to pray about these things (because I know some of my brothers and sisters in Christ read this).

I promise I won't take any of these words back.

I struggle with pornography and masturbation. I'm not a virgin. I lie every day. I continue to want things which I know are bad for me. I strive to be good-looking because I usually favor good-looking people. I avoid the Lord so that I can avoid dealing with my sin. (THAT's what keeps me from praying for others and from looking for fellowship here in Arizona.) These things are real. And they've been killing me. So, I don't want applause for being honest.

I've come to the realization that our insecurities are based completely on our own actions. I am the one who has made myself untrusting, because I've been a liar. I've been completely untrustworthy. I know how harsh I can be in judging people, so I constantly fear judgment which keeps me shy in group situations. Yeah, I've even decided that being "shy" can be a sign of sin (at least with me I know it is).

I'm not going to ask you to pray for me. I need to deal with all of this. I caused it.

It's a good thing I get medical insurance starting June 1st. I really need to go to the doctor for a few things. Some signs point to a bladder infection (at least I'm hoping that's what it is, considering the other possibilities), and I have an itchy mole on my back. WebMD suggests I call a doctor as soon as possible, but I'm just going to wait until I have insurance.

Pray for me. I'm actually more scared than I might seem. Much of that is this intense fear of doctors/hospitals/finding out bad news.

Listening to: Feist - "Mushaboom"
Mood: Mushaboom

I got a watermelon ringpop in the mail today. Yep. Amazing.

And among other things, I got a composition notebook. A COMPOSITION NOTEBOOK!

Life is funky. In a good way. (Today was doubly good-funky).

I had a question. I thought it was because I was up all night again.

---

Junglebuttons2 [8:45 AM]: k, this is a retard question
Junglebuttons2 [8:45 AM]: but capital is the letter
Junglebuttons2 [8:45 AM]: and capitol is the place
Junglebuttons2 [8:45 AM]: right?
Junglebuttons2 [8:45 AM]: i forgot
AcousticThrenody [8:45 AM]: i believe so
Junglebuttons2 [8:45 AM]: (lack of sleep)
Junglebuttons2 [8:45 AM]: phew.
Junglebuttons2 [8:45 AM]: at least you're not certain.
Junglebuttons2 [8:46 AM]: that makes me feel better.
AcousticThrenody [8:46 AM]: no
AcousticThrenody [8:46 AM]: capital is the place
AcousticThrenody [8:46 AM]: capitol is the letter
AcousticThrenody [8:46 AM]: no
Junglebuttons2 [8:46 AM]: no
Junglebuttons2 [8:46 AM]: capitol is the place
AcousticThrenody [8:46 AM]: capital is the place AND letter
Junglebuttons2 [8:46 AM]: is it?
AcousticThrenody [8:46 AM]: no
AcousticThrenody [8:46 AM]: damn it
AcousticThrenody [8:47 AM]: capitol is the building
AcousticThrenody [8:47 AM]: capital is the letter
AcousticThrenody [8:47 AM]: AND
AcousticThrenody [8:47 AM]: money (stocks)
AcousticThrenody [8:47 AM]: AND
Junglebuttons2 [8:47 AM]: haha
AcousticThrenody [8:47 AM]: a town or city that is the official seat of gov't
AcousticThrenody [8:47 AM]: according to dictionary.com

---

I say, that website should get some award for outstanding acheivment. It has saved my life on a number of occassions. Dictionary.com, I love you.

The clock is ticking behind me, and it’s been a while since I’ve spoken as everyone else has been unconscious for about seven hours now. My sleep has been sporadic for the past few weeks, so when I go to sleep now, I’m never quite sure when exactly I’ll wake up. I made myself go to sleep at 10pm and woke up at about 2am unable to return, for example. So I read a story called "Teddy".

Then some time passed.

There’s something about 4am that’s so clear. Somehow, I can be completely sober-minded in examining things (inwardly or outwardly) and can still, despite then harshness of reality, be okay with the truth. It’s incredible.

Today I’m okay with the inevitability of death. And while some would hiss at me for acknowledging it and would remind me of my youth, the truth is, everyone is afflicted with it. Near or far, it’s coming. And I’m okay with that. In fact, it’s done wonders in my consideration of what it means to be effective, and what it means to be honest, and what sin is, and why it’s never good.

Both fear and illusion disappear at this hour, and all that's left is absoluteness, uncensored and crisp, like one of those photographs that strikes you with its candor and drowns ambient sound.

HO. LY. CRAP!

The high for this Friday... 107 degrees.

UMMMMMM... WHAT?!

Dare I say, a little bit hotter? (I didn't know it was possible.)

I am 73% Emo.

Well... I've made the cut! Now I'll go buy some promise rings and knit myself a sweater.

Take the
Emo Test
@ FualiDotCom

I didn't even get up to 50% on any of the other tests. This kinda makes me want to cry a little.

(Does that make me more emo?)

I had falafel tonight.

I feel so complete.

Armless Tom has agreed to help me show off the new shirt. Isn't it lovely? Perfect for the summer weather, and hip to the new fashion. The cuffed sleeves are sure to make your arms look buff (or tastefully nonexistant, in Tom's case). You'll be the talk of the town and the hit of the season.

This and more could be yours! Sign up today!

Dearest readers,

"Ahooy" refuses not to be a word, so I'm proposing a coalition for it's establishment. I've checked, and it's not in the dictionary yet.

Sign up and I will put your name in the list to the left. T-shirts will be made.

And I think I'll go on a blog strike until I get 10 names. I'm not going to assume that you wish to be a part of this unless you're Meg, so you have to let me know via commenting here or sending me an email to Junglebuttons2@aol.com.

Thanks in advance,
Matt

P.S. I will take it personally if no one responds. :(

Phil, on falling asleep next to a girl on a sofa, looking out the window in silence on a perfect August day.

archen4 [10:40 PM]: I almost flew to germany this spring to see her
Junglebuttons2 [10:40 PM]: maybe you should do that at some point.
Junglebuttons2 [10:40 PM]: i bet there are more moments like that to be had.
archen4 [10:42 PM]: I hope so...so badly. Most of the time I feel like it'll never happen again, and it's scary as heck.
Junglebuttons2 [10:42 PM]: :)
Junglebuttons2 [10:42 PM]: that's a pretty amazing memory though.
Junglebuttons2 [10:42 PM]: those are the keepers.
archen4 [10:43 PM]: I always thought that memories like that, were like tiny little lights in your mind, and no matter what happens to you, alzheimers, whatever, even if you don't remember what her name was, or what she looked like, you'll remember that you felt so loved.

A random photo.

For Jen. And for me. Because it's happy.

"If I remeber correctly, it was also very windy with potential for being struck by lightning - remember we thought it'd be cool if we died together? what crazy kids we were!"

Indeed, Jen. But truthfully, we were (are) awesome kids.

We starve-
Look at one another short of breath
Walking proudly in our winter coats
Wearing smells from laboratories

Facing a dying nation of moving paper fantasy
Listening for the new told lies
With supreme visions of lonely tunes

Singing our space songs on a spider web sitar

Life is around you and in you

.

Listening to: Matt Pond: New Hampshire
Mood: Homesick

Half of all our lives are spent
encouraged by embarrassment
we hold our heads and stay asleep and cannot hear
in case nobody called

follow the prim ones
and sit on your hands
watch your step don’t hardly move
speak in hushed tones
till they bring on the ending
they bring on the ending
as we file to get outside
with all the same coats on

here it is december’s end
all our evaluations are in
the lowland’s goal
is less than low
it’s good
so easy to have met them

august light the weightless fall
the hold of trucks
could carry us all
the hot exhaust
the thoughtless sleep
we’d run and fall into the river

we’d meet up at night
pretty late by the falls
talk too fast without regret
with headlights and stars
it was brighter than the daylight
bodies all backlight
unconscious though we’re moving
stereo was screaming

we’ll settle for stares
now un-glide with our hands
the basement is where we will live
and stick to the crowds
without ever speaking
we want it that easy
and don’t get caught dancing
even if you’re drinking
don’t get caught dancing

-Matt Pond: Bring on the Ending

---

This song includes my two favorite months and reminds me of things.

Dear ExLax®,

We found a new slogan for you. You'll find that it's innovative, yet deliciously accurate.

"Emazingly Xuberant Large Anal Xcretions"

Concise, and in-touch with your target audience. I think I smell a winner. I'm sure you'll agree.

Thanks for your time!

Regards,
Matt Priestley and Megan Cota

Listening to: Travis - Rain On Me
Mood: I'm feeling average in a good way. And not a "strive for mediocrity" sort of good way, more of an "it's strangely refreshing to acknowledge your faults" kind of good way.

I haven't posted a photo in a while. This is a leaf from one of the roses I got closing night. (heck yes. i got roses.)

I'm trying to think if this would look okay in a black frame. Would white be better? The photo is so detailed that I wouldn't mind having a large size of it printed out to hang up. It would be cool just behind a piece of glass with clips instead of a frame, like at IKEA.

I was there today, incidentally.