SparkleBerry9: yes, why yes they do. We may not be solving the worlds problems, but... hey? we will.
FrogBoy777: some day...
SparkleBerry9: no faith?
FrogBoy777: no... i have faith
FrogBoy777: one problem at a time though
SparkleBerry9: yes, what should be our first conquest?
FrogBoy777: I heard there was a seal-pup trapped in a plastic cup in Southeast Asia
FrogBoy777: We shall free him.
SparkleBerry9: YES!
FrogBoy777: To the Peg-mobile.
FrogBoy777: !
SparkleBerry9: thats rather funny u should mention that...

There you have it Peggy, there you have it...

Writing is hard.

I have to write so many essays, and I'm trying to focus on this screenplay because I do actually want to finish it. My brain hurts...

Or maybe I'm jsut a whiner. That's also a possibility. But I'm excited still, which is what makes this different from school. I actually want to keep doing this.

So I went to the Bebo Norman concert last night (thanks again, Jen) and it was phenomenal. The opening band was really good too; a couple of kids from Tennessee.

It got me thinking about a few things. First, the world is so much bigger than me. On that note, I'm just a boy, and I'm not going to change the world. On the other hand, I also started thinking about how incredibly self-centered I have become (as an American, I think) and that I've put it out of my head that there are people in the world who really do live on dirt and wear the same things for months. Kids die because they don't even have bread, and I'm complaining about stupid stuff because I just have too much time on my hands.

The opening band sang a song called "Stuck in a Moment" which was written by U2 a few years ago. I feel like I'm totally stuck in this "be cool" moment, where I spend my time thinking of ways to better myself, wondering the best path I could take to make myself shine.

The truth is, we only truly shine when we ourselves aren't a part of that glory. I want to emanate Christ and his love to others. I want it to be about them so that it's ultimately about Christ and his glory.

Anybody with me on this?

Anyway, after the concert, I took my friend Joel back to campus, and we sat in the piano rooms and played a few songs. I've been really progressing lately, and I know all the main chords now. So last night I learned a few more songs and played this one about 50 times until I could sing and play without messing up. Needless to say, my voice was a little shot, and my back hurt quite a bit from sitting (stupid posture), but I really thank God for whatever abilities He's given me. I want to use them and make it all about him.

God forbid I should take what's His and claim it for a majesty I've made for myself.

I suppose I should start working on my essays for my application. I have zero done so far, and about five to go.

Anyway, I was energized again the other day to keep going with it. This is what I want, I'm sure of it. I watched Legend of Bagger Vance with Jen the other day too. Wow, what a good movie! And I can't believe how good Will Smith was. I usually hate his characters. At least he didn't make a rap to go along with the soundtrack.

Well, that's it for today, I'm going to go write at Barnes & Noble (usually I say that, but end up reading instead). Last time I was there, I read a bunch of Poe's stuff. I had read a lot of his before, but I read some new ones too. My new favorite of his is actually prose. It's called "Silence - A Fable," and it's absolutely brilliant.

Ok kids, be nice to each other.

I got the job by the way... You'll be happy to know...

I'm so excited to be finally making money again. *sigh*

And I saw Alison Miska on the cover of a magazine - a girl from some of my classes in high school. Very strange experience, it was. Not sure if I enjoyed seeing it though.

C.S. Lewis, on art:

"The patrons of sentimental poetry, bad novels, bad pictures, and merely catchy tunes are usually enjoying precisely what is there. And their enjoyment... is not in any way comparable to the enjoyment that other people derive from good art.

It is tepid, trivial, marginal, habitual. It does not trouble them, nor haunt them. To call it, and a man's rapture in great tragedy or exquisite music, by the same name, enjoyment, is little more than a pun. I still maintain that what enraptures and transports is always good...

The experiences offered by bad art are not of the same sort."

- 'Notes on the Way', Time and Tide

About a year after high school ended, a guy I knew, who was a year younger than me, died in a fight in front of Steak & Shake. The guy punched him once, in the temple, and he never regained conciousness.

It hit me again today that he's not alive. I wasn't great friends with him or anything, but it's very strange to have known someone, and then knowing that they aren't alive. He's not struggling in college like he should have been; he's not worrying about girls, or even homework. He's just not here.

How very sad.

Time to update. I feel like I haven't written in forever, and it's actually only been like two days.

This week has been so long, and so short at the same time. I mean it feels like it has gone by very quickly, yet it seems like forever since Monday...

I'm almost finished with my latest drawing, a black and white, of a guy sitting. That's the description you guys get for now. I use colored pencils manufactured by Prismacolor®, which work wonders for a technique I use called "burnishing." Basically, that's when all the pours of the paper are filled with color, and tend to make the drawing look more like a painting, which is always the goal for me. Most of the time, I just lay the foundation colors and use a white pencil to blend.

Seriously, you've probably never seen it done because it takes so long. And then there's the question, why don't I just paint? Well, I'll eventually do some paintings, but for now, this is my preferred medium. It's all I know for the most part; I've been doing it for so long. Maybe I'm just being cautious and I don't want to suck at painting. Ah, we'll see.

Oh, and I guess it's important to mention, I had my second interview on Wednesday and it went better than the first one. And they also have as much overtime as I want, which means I can work a hundred hours a week and make $50,000 a year if I wanted, which I do, but I don't. Ya know? Anyway, it sounds cool! When people ask me how much I make annually, I could just selectively mumble the words "as much as" and then exclaim, "$50, 000!!!!!!" Cool, yes? So anyway, I asked if there was any reason why I shouldn't get the job, and she said no and that she couldn't imagine the three other candidates being better than me. Um, yeah lady, whatever works. Plus she was like all of 22 years old, and I think she was flirting... Maybe it was my revealing shirt. Not.

Thus ends the tragically boring update for the day. Realistically, my first big purchase after my new job will be a computer (after I pay off my bills), which means I can spend loads of time sitting here writing more boring crapple for you guys. Yay for you! Yay for me! Yay for Dell®!

"These treasures have become so stark, so wanton, so pale. Too long have I been left destitute, trembling with hollowness. Too long have I pursued this vacuous desert. Alone I carry this cross."

-anonymous

USF seemed so generic at first. The second-rate teachers and ghetto students makes one think that this school is almost at community college level.

Then I heard about some teachers in the English department that were not only phenomenal instructors, but were also very accomplished. When Jen told me of two such professors, I was determined to take a class with each of them, no matter what the class was. One teacher, Dr. Anthony Kubiak, taught at Harvard, among other places. Needless to ask, why is he at USF? That question will probably forever remain unanswered.

Then came the discovery to end all discoveries... Me and Jen rented "Good Will Hunting" yesterday, because we agree that it is one of our all time favorites, being the critical movie buffs we are. After the movie, we didn't say much, just that we are going to meet Wednesday to chat some more and discuss movie stuff (I'm trying to find a script to print so we can talk about it).

Anyway, when I got home, I opened my notebook, quickly jotted down "plot brainstorm", boxed it in, and twidled a pen in my fingers. After a few moments of nothing, I reached for my sketchbook, and got a little closer to finishing my drawing. Junior was in his room talking on the phone, and I was in the living room on the couch.

Jen called about 10 minutes later, semi-frantic, but it sounded like she had something incredible. Earlier, I had told her about the overlaid commentary that comes on the DVD, so she decided to watch it to see what the actors and director thought of the different scenes. During one scene, Matt Damon is talking about his inspiration for the movie (as he wrote most of it) and mentioned a playwriting class at Harvard, where overall, he learned to listen...

Guess who his professor was? Dr. Anthony Kubiak, whom Matt remembered by full name.

A professor at USF inspired one of the greatest movies of all time, and taught one of the best actors/writers, I've ever known. Tell me, what could be cooler than that? There may be hope for a connection between me and USF afterall.

I'm looking forward to my time with Kubiak, and I hope I get to tell this story on my own commentary one day.

"The child's true constructive energy, a dynamic power, has remained unnoticed for thousands of years. Just as men have trodden the earth, and later tilled its surface, without thought for the immense wealth hidden in its depths, so the men of our day make progress after progress in civilized life, without noticing the treasures that lie hidden in the psychic world of infancy."

-Maria Montessori (1870 - 1952)

Not only did my interview with Certegy go well, but they pretty much offered me a position in a different department from which I was applying. It pays about $1.50 more per hour!! He was really impressed with my resume, and for whatever reason, I was talking a lot AND making sense! He said I was well-qualified for both positions, so naturally, I'm trying to get the better paying one. This doesn't happen too often folks, but I'm sure glad it did today!

*sigh*

Finally.

I'll post about the weekend later. But I think important stuff comes first, and I have to tell you how amazing God is.

On Sunday we broke bread outside, in the cold, among the trees, circled around a damp woodpile that was meant for a small fire. After the Lord's supper, we had a kind of open meeting where anyone could share what was on his heart. I even had something to contribute until Jesse spoke. After I heard him, I dwelled on his words for the rest of the meeting.

Even as he began to speak I could see his eyes swelling, and I knew I would soon be tearing up with him. He went through the passage where Jesus wept and mourned with those who were mourning over the death of Lazarus. He went on to explain that God sometimes puts us in uncomfortable situations of which we aren't supposed to immediately come out, and if the God of the universe, the creator of man, can come down to earth and weep with us, we shouldn't think that being sad is solved by getting closer to the Lord. Sometimes, sadness is the appropriate emotion, and has nothing to do with our spiritual closeness or farness from God.

I know his situation, and it was all I could do to not cry for him openly. In times like those it's hard to even know what to pray for, but I don't even think that's the point. I think the point is that in sharing emotions with one another, we're actually growing closer to each other. If I'm sad over something legitimate, don't try to make me feel better. Cry with me. Be real. We all get sad sometimes.

No, I don't want to help improve Blogger®, USF's website, or monster.com, by taking a deceivingly long survey. I hate surveys. There should be an island where we banish all said surveys.

We shall call it Surveyor Island*.

15 minutes my butt.



*Surveyor Island is not in association with Survivor Island®, which is even more wretched.

In lieu of a computer, I’m writing this out. I don’t have a computer at home, so sometimes when I have something meaningful to post, I miss the opportunity.

Maybe that’s for the better. Even to this day I don’t really know what is appropriate for me to post or not to post. My prayers have been sporadic and scarce, my reading time has been limited to group Bible studies, and my life had shown very little fruit. I can’t remember the last time I was satisfied.

I remember a while back I was talking to Jen about a friend and Jen was telling me how this friend has never known what depression is despite her seemingly rough trials. Then Jen said something that struck me, and I’ve pondered it since that night. She explained that she and I both have melancholy bases and those who don’t know depression would never understand our view of things.

For a while it totally ade sense and I just accepted it. This was me, Matt, with a melancholy base, sensitive and observant, sometimes naïve and always, always depressed. I circled it in my head, and it echoed. Then it frightened me as I realized that if this was true, I was bound to it, never having the ability to feel happy without expecting it to end soon, being replaced by an even more powerful feeling of emptiness.

And then there’s this whole part of me that is absolutely neurotic. I tend to over think everything, and fill in every gap with stupid stuff that makes me feel like crap. Relationships tend to suffer because of this and it becomes so much easier for people to disappoint me. I happened at least three times yesterday with three separate people. And when I think about it, all of them were probably thinking something different than my assumptions.

Overall, I think I’ve forgotten my first love. I forgot that God loves me and that his gift, his election, the death of His holy Son for my sake, is truly, absolutely, unspeakable!

It helps to write this out. In retrospect, I think I’ve been hindering whatever God has had for me to do in the past. Knowing this, it would also seem that God wouldn’t have me bound to something that keeps him from being glorified.

Thank God I’m still growing up; his patience is so good. Thank God I was wrong, and I’m not bound to a melancholy soul. Thank God I can get away from my past characteristics. And Audrey, I think I’ll take your advice and try harder to be close to my Father in heaven. I know there is no replacement and this emptiness can only be filled by Him.

Pray, brethren, for he who has begun a good work in us will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

I really think Vin Diesel from Fast and the Furious and Eva Medes from 2 Fast 2 Furious should get married and go to an island somewhere unkown so that we never hear from them again.

Two of the biggest idiots known to man. Off with their heads! Ok, maybe that's a little harsh, but they are really dumb! And by dumb I mean super annoying... and dumb...