About a year after high school ended, a guy I knew, who was a year younger than me, died in a fight in front of Steak & Shake. The guy punched him once, in the temple, and he never regained conciousness.

It hit me again today that he's not alive. I wasn't great friends with him or anything, but it's very strange to have known someone, and then knowing that they aren't alive. He's not struggling in college like he should have been; he's not worrying about girls, or even homework. He's just not here.

How very sad.

Time to update. I feel like I haven't written in forever, and it's actually only been like two days.

This week has been so long, and so short at the same time. I mean it feels like it has gone by very quickly, yet it seems like forever since Monday...

I'm almost finished with my latest drawing, a black and white, of a guy sitting. That's the description you guys get for now. I use colored pencils manufactured by Prismacolor®, which work wonders for a technique I use called "burnishing." Basically, that's when all the pours of the paper are filled with color, and tend to make the drawing look more like a painting, which is always the goal for me. Most of the time, I just lay the foundation colors and use a white pencil to blend.

Seriously, you've probably never seen it done because it takes so long. And then there's the question, why don't I just paint? Well, I'll eventually do some paintings, but for now, this is my preferred medium. It's all I know for the most part; I've been doing it for so long. Maybe I'm just being cautious and I don't want to suck at painting. Ah, we'll see.

Oh, and I guess it's important to mention, I had my second interview on Wednesday and it went better than the first one. And they also have as much overtime as I want, which means I can work a hundred hours a week and make $50,000 a year if I wanted, which I do, but I don't. Ya know? Anyway, it sounds cool! When people ask me how much I make annually, I could just selectively mumble the words "as much as" and then exclaim, "$50, 000!!!!!!" Cool, yes? So anyway, I asked if there was any reason why I shouldn't get the job, and she said no and that she couldn't imagine the three other candidates being better than me. Um, yeah lady, whatever works. Plus she was like all of 22 years old, and I think she was flirting... Maybe it was my revealing shirt. Not.

Thus ends the tragically boring update for the day. Realistically, my first big purchase after my new job will be a computer (after I pay off my bills), which means I can spend loads of time sitting here writing more boring crapple for you guys. Yay for you! Yay for me! Yay for Dell®!

"These treasures have become so stark, so wanton, so pale. Too long have I been left destitute, trembling with hollowness. Too long have I pursued this vacuous desert. Alone I carry this cross."

-anonymous

USF seemed so generic at first. The second-rate teachers and ghetto students makes one think that this school is almost at community college level.

Then I heard about some teachers in the English department that were not only phenomenal instructors, but were also very accomplished. When Jen told me of two such professors, I was determined to take a class with each of them, no matter what the class was. One teacher, Dr. Anthony Kubiak, taught at Harvard, among other places. Needless to ask, why is he at USF? That question will probably forever remain unanswered.

Then came the discovery to end all discoveries... Me and Jen rented "Good Will Hunting" yesterday, because we agree that it is one of our all time favorites, being the critical movie buffs we are. After the movie, we didn't say much, just that we are going to meet Wednesday to chat some more and discuss movie stuff (I'm trying to find a script to print so we can talk about it).

Anyway, when I got home, I opened my notebook, quickly jotted down "plot brainstorm", boxed it in, and twidled a pen in my fingers. After a few moments of nothing, I reached for my sketchbook, and got a little closer to finishing my drawing. Junior was in his room talking on the phone, and I was in the living room on the couch.

Jen called about 10 minutes later, semi-frantic, but it sounded like she had something incredible. Earlier, I had told her about the overlaid commentary that comes on the DVD, so she decided to watch it to see what the actors and director thought of the different scenes. During one scene, Matt Damon is talking about his inspiration for the movie (as he wrote most of it) and mentioned a playwriting class at Harvard, where overall, he learned to listen...

Guess who his professor was? Dr. Anthony Kubiak, whom Matt remembered by full name.

A professor at USF inspired one of the greatest movies of all time, and taught one of the best actors/writers, I've ever known. Tell me, what could be cooler than that? There may be hope for a connection between me and USF afterall.

I'm looking forward to my time with Kubiak, and I hope I get to tell this story on my own commentary one day.

"The child's true constructive energy, a dynamic power, has remained unnoticed for thousands of years. Just as men have trodden the earth, and later tilled its surface, without thought for the immense wealth hidden in its depths, so the men of our day make progress after progress in civilized life, without noticing the treasures that lie hidden in the psychic world of infancy."

-Maria Montessori (1870 - 1952)

Not only did my interview with Certegy go well, but they pretty much offered me a position in a different department from which I was applying. It pays about $1.50 more per hour!! He was really impressed with my resume, and for whatever reason, I was talking a lot AND making sense! He said I was well-qualified for both positions, so naturally, I'm trying to get the better paying one. This doesn't happen too often folks, but I'm sure glad it did today!

*sigh*

Finally.

I'll post about the weekend later. But I think important stuff comes first, and I have to tell you how amazing God is.

On Sunday we broke bread outside, in the cold, among the trees, circled around a damp woodpile that was meant for a small fire. After the Lord's supper, we had a kind of open meeting where anyone could share what was on his heart. I even had something to contribute until Jesse spoke. After I heard him, I dwelled on his words for the rest of the meeting.

Even as he began to speak I could see his eyes swelling, and I knew I would soon be tearing up with him. He went through the passage where Jesus wept and mourned with those who were mourning over the death of Lazarus. He went on to explain that God sometimes puts us in uncomfortable situations of which we aren't supposed to immediately come out, and if the God of the universe, the creator of man, can come down to earth and weep with us, we shouldn't think that being sad is solved by getting closer to the Lord. Sometimes, sadness is the appropriate emotion, and has nothing to do with our spiritual closeness or farness from God.

I know his situation, and it was all I could do to not cry for him openly. In times like those it's hard to even know what to pray for, but I don't even think that's the point. I think the point is that in sharing emotions with one another, we're actually growing closer to each other. If I'm sad over something legitimate, don't try to make me feel better. Cry with me. Be real. We all get sad sometimes.

No, I don't want to help improve Blogger®, USF's website, or monster.com, by taking a deceivingly long survey. I hate surveys. There should be an island where we banish all said surveys.

We shall call it Surveyor Island*.

15 minutes my butt.



*Surveyor Island is not in association with Survivor Island®, which is even more wretched.

In lieu of a computer, I’m writing this out. I don’t have a computer at home, so sometimes when I have something meaningful to post, I miss the opportunity.

Maybe that’s for the better. Even to this day I don’t really know what is appropriate for me to post or not to post. My prayers have been sporadic and scarce, my reading time has been limited to group Bible studies, and my life had shown very little fruit. I can’t remember the last time I was satisfied.

I remember a while back I was talking to Jen about a friend and Jen was telling me how this friend has never known what depression is despite her seemingly rough trials. Then Jen said something that struck me, and I’ve pondered it since that night. She explained that she and I both have melancholy bases and those who don’t know depression would never understand our view of things.

For a while it totally ade sense and I just accepted it. This was me, Matt, with a melancholy base, sensitive and observant, sometimes naïve and always, always depressed. I circled it in my head, and it echoed. Then it frightened me as I realized that if this was true, I was bound to it, never having the ability to feel happy without expecting it to end soon, being replaced by an even more powerful feeling of emptiness.

And then there’s this whole part of me that is absolutely neurotic. I tend to over think everything, and fill in every gap with stupid stuff that makes me feel like crap. Relationships tend to suffer because of this and it becomes so much easier for people to disappoint me. I happened at least three times yesterday with three separate people. And when I think about it, all of them were probably thinking something different than my assumptions.

Overall, I think I’ve forgotten my first love. I forgot that God loves me and that his gift, his election, the death of His holy Son for my sake, is truly, absolutely, unspeakable!

It helps to write this out. In retrospect, I think I’ve been hindering whatever God has had for me to do in the past. Knowing this, it would also seem that God wouldn’t have me bound to something that keeps him from being glorified.

Thank God I’m still growing up; his patience is so good. Thank God I was wrong, and I’m not bound to a melancholy soul. Thank God I can get away from my past characteristics. And Audrey, I think I’ll take your advice and try harder to be close to my Father in heaven. I know there is no replacement and this emptiness can only be filled by Him.

Pray, brethren, for he who has begun a good work in us will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

I really think Vin Diesel from Fast and the Furious and Eva Medes from 2 Fast 2 Furious should get married and go to an island somewhere unkown so that we never hear from them again.

Two of the biggest idiots known to man. Off with their heads! Ok, maybe that's a little harsh, but they are really dumb! And by dumb I mean super annoying... and dumb...

I can't wait until Thanksgiving. When that Moday arrives I get to start packing and preparing for a lone roadtrip. Needless to say, I'm going to attempt to find a cheap hotel room half way through so that I can make the trip a little easier on myself, but then, there are only four days on that vacation, so maybe I'll just drive straight through.

I haven't been to KY since last Thanksgiving, and I didn't do most of the driving then. I went with Ray and Jess and we had a blast driving up! Ok, so it wasn't a blast, and my CD player was in the shop, but we still had a good time. The trip back was what sucked. But that's always how the trip back is. There's nothing to look forward to except for your bed, which is cool, but the thought of it only makes you more tired. I'll see if I can do this alone or not.

Apart from that, I'm also taking a long road trip up to North Georgia in just 3 short days. SCORE! White water rafting is so fun... So I hear anyway... OK, I'm going to find a picture, but it's not going to be of the place we're going. You get the idea.



Wow, I actually found a movie, and it actually works on my blog. That's sweet.

Anyway, I hope I get to see Mom soon, I know we were talking about me going over to Arizona soon, but it seems a little hectic here what with me and my job search. I hope she can come to Kentucky this Thanksgiving, that would be great.

Alrighty, well I got a new lead on an awesome accounting job yesterday. I'm calling today, going to see what that's all about. There's also one there about inside sales, so we'll see how that goes.

Oh, and hi mom! I just realized that she didn't know I had a website, so welcome! Don't leave any embarassing comments by the way! They can't be erased!

If anyone knows of any other blogs by cool famous people, let me know. It's kind of fun.

:-D

I just think this is too cool. I found this online journal of Ian McKellan from when he went to the premiere of Lord of the Rings. It's very weird hearing Gandalf's perspective of the event. At the opening at Odeon Theater in London (I think) he said:

"After the Balrog, I left for some fresh air and a cigarette. There the fans were still waiting, entertained only by the repeating relayof Howard Shore's score. They were mostly in their 20's and younger. I know of one 40 year old who flew from the States just to stand outside the cinema, the occasion was so momentous for him. Momentous for me too, who made the same journey..."

How cool is that?!

Well, another day... I'm really excited because a week from today I will be in North Georgia rafting! If I can find a picture of the place I will... Hmm... Well I just looked, and all the pictures were stupid, so just imagine what it would look like!

Anyway, so my mom, all of the sudden, says she is going to pay for me to fly out to Arizona to see her... Which is fine with me. I haven't had cooked food in a long time. Oh, and I get to see Mom too. I'm planning on going to KY for Thanksgiving. Exciting. No really. Here are some pictures of my birth city, Frankfort. Man, those pictures are awesome. Believe me, it doesn't look as cool when you are actually there. I do like the mountains though, especially when it's snowy out.

Oh, and I started swimming again last week. The first day, which I'm pretty sure was Tuesday, I could only swim half a mile (about 35 laps) and I was dead. I felt really sick and everything. Then I swam on Thursday and swam 102 laps before I ran out of time (I only had an hour and a half). That's about a mile and a half. Today I'm swimming from 1 - 4 so I'll let you know how I do. I'm trying to train enough to start swimming on this local team. Then if I'm good enough, I can swim for NYU when I get there (wishful thinking in so many ways...).

Blogs4God has my site listed as "cool", and I don't see any others with that little green thing next to it. This is so exciting! Anyway, I'm having a decent day, I'll post more in a few minutes.

Oh, and someone that uses sprint.ca ISP, was on my website for 71 minutes yesterday... Thanks, mysterious Canadian friend!

Ok, I had the crappiest day yesterday. In fact, I'd stretch that to this whole year. This whole year has sucked beyond any normal level of suckability.

I'm not going to elaborate, but just take my word for it. It's times like this that I feel like I hate everyone and everything on the planet. And it's times like this that I normally end up saying something I don't mean. So, maybe if I keep the negative comments as general and vague as possible, I won't offend anyone.

Anyway, on the bright side, I went with Alexis to test drive a car. The whole thing started out innocent enough, we were dropping her car off to get the longest oil change I've ever experienced, and I offered to take her to the VW lot so she can test drive her dream car - a 2003 VW Golf GTi 1.8t. It's a turbo. What more can I say? Anyway, they had one left and it was the exact one she wanted, blue with gray leather, 5 speed, sunroof, etc. It had ALL the options. After driving it around like a mad woman, she talked to the guy (who couldn't have been more than 25 years old) and he offered to give it to her with zero down, and her payments were semi-reasonable...

Needless to say, she wants the car now, and if I call her, she'll probably be sitting in front of the guy's desk right now signing a little pink slip giving her that speed devil car.

And if she doesn't get it, I'm completely persuaded that I want this car more than anything right now. Which really sucks for me, in case you haven't heard of my past car payment experiences...

*sigh*

Pray for me. I don't really want the car. It's a sad, pathetic lust of mine that needs to be put out.

ok, I've heard of some people saying i look like Richard Gere:



and others say I look like Jamaes Van Der Beek:



so, I know this is pretty pointless, but which one is more accurate? Based on the nearly vague picture up top anyway. Personally, I don't think I look like either of them, but I guess they are both ok...

According to this site, I made more than about 91% of the world's population in 2001...

And I thought I was poor.

The exciting thing for me is that she is alive. She's out there, and she's waiting for me too... And the way she will love the Lord, that'll be what blows me away.